102 Days - What counts in a battle is what you do once the pain sets in

Eight years ago, when I took my road trip from Atlanta to LA, I was looking for some kind of sign that I was supposed to stay here. I had a fresh lotus flower tattoo on my back and as we drove through Hollywood, suddenly I saw a huge lotus festival going on. I knew I was home.

Sometimes I think the world sends you signs to let you know if you are on or off track. Last Thursday night, I met Bob, Donn, Jim and Ko for dinner in Westlake Village and followed it up with Dean's movie '50 Marathons/50 States/50 Days.' It was my own words that stood out to me that night. My own face lit up the big screen and I saw my own eyes filling with joy like I had never known after completing a marathon with my hero Dean Karnazes. "Sometimes the most difficult things in life are also the most worth having." It was the past me reminding me of something that I needed to hear in that moment.

Saturday, I met up with Jean and Kathy for a 'Moose walk.' Craig was late because he had a bloody nose. I excitedly walked up to the apartment to see my good friend again. It had been too long.

The Moose sat quietly on the bed, wiping blood from his nose and barely able to lift himself up to the walker. It was not the body of the Moose that I had once known, but it was still the Moose - happy, cheerful. We walked for about 10 minutes before he had to go back to bed. I sat in his room with him and we shared stories of our runs. "Okay," I said, "I want the master list... what are the great races that I should do in my lifetime?"

"Great Wall of China... Comrades...." his voice trailed off before he fell back asleep once again. Jean, Kathy and I went for a run in a park down the road as the Moose slept.

"Is he still on chemo?" asked Jean.

"No," said Froggie. "Just pain pills."

Neither of us dared to ask anymore. Suddenly life had been put into perspective.

"How are you doing, Summer?" asked the Frog. I couldn't believe that she was asking me how I was doing, when I knew that what I was going through paled in comparison to her pain that she never showed. But it was a good change of topic.

"I'm ok... wondering if I should be in LA at the moment."

"WHY???" Said Jean. "Don't you love it here?"

"I do," I said. "But this environment isn't very conducive to being in a long term relationship. Everything is temporary. People say 'I'm in this job FOR NOW. I'm in this relationship FOR NOW.' I am just wondering if I am going to find what I am looking for here. I need a sign."

"Summer," said Froggie. "I don't mean to interrupt, but have you seen these beautiful lotus flowers?" She pointed down to a pond that we were running towards. In front of the pond, a wedding photographer was taking pictures of a happy couple. I smiled and showed Froggie my tattoo. She smiled back. "Need a bigger sign than that?"

On Sunday, we all met up once again for a run through dirt Mulholland. Jean and I headed back a little early since she had to work and I was tapering for Mt. Disappointment next weekend. We opted for some breakfast at More Than Waffles before beginning our day. She told me a the story of how she found out that her husband of 18 years was gay. "Never give up Summer and don't stop looking. Don't give up a town that you love for something you may or may not find somewhere else. You CAN have everything."

I went back to the apartment that afternoon, the one that Brian and I still share. I took a deep breath, walked back into my room and opened the first book that I would need to study for my personal trainer certification. It is time to make that step in my life now too. Maybe Jean is right. Maybe I can have everything I want.